This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
