you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
