I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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