My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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