you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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