At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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