I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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