I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
barbara walters just said penis...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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