There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
