then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
