the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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