Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
