I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
