Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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