you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
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My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
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So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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