I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Randomize
