o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
