U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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