is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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