i wish there were pregnant emoticons
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
