Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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