Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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