I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
