I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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