He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
