I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just invented taco cereal.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
