so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
