I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
