Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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