They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
