Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Bring me that man meat
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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