We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
is that a dick in a sweater?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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