I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
