Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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