i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
