And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
