Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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