you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
