I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
