did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
