wakey wakey hands off snakey
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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