We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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