Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
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