He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
