I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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