Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
That accounts for only three of the penises
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Randomize
