If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
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