are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You took a bar mat shot.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
