Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
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So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
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I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize