genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
