also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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