i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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