2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
