i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
