just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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