He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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