Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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