He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
