Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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