dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
