I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
