Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I lost the right to judge tonight
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
