Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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