I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
